The Death Proof Script
Intro
The text below isn't really the "script". I actually don't know what it is... maybe some sort of transcribed audio from the film. But heck, it's the best I could find in html format.
Main
If you want the real script, click the PDF icon.
They called him Machete. Selling the harsh day for the hard one. 100 for ruffin. Get in. 125 for accepting. So which? Have you ever killed anyone before? As you may know illegal aliens such as yourself are being forced out of our country at an alarming rate. For the good of other people. Our new senator must die. And for that I will pay you $150,000. Cash. He was given an offer he couldn't refuse. I cost the most. Cause I'm the best there is. Set up. Double crossed. And left for dead. I took a vow of peace. And now you want me to help you kill all these men? Yes, bro. I mean paltry. So what I can do? He knows the score. Where are my wife and daughter? He gets the women. And he kills the bad guys. You know that a Mexican day-labor is a goddam federal? But they soon realize. He's coming after us. They just fucked with the wrong Mexican. Action. Suspense. Emotion. Please father, have mercy. God has mercy, I don't. If you're gonna hire Machete to kill the bad guy You better make damn sure the bad guy ... isn't you. Machete. Rated X. Brought to you from your friends at the Weinstein Company. The roofer is in the house. God damn it, girls. If you're gonna do that shit, do it on stage. Smoking hot. Cherry darling, I told you too many fucking times. You can't be up there crying and all that shit. You know what go-go dance is? Useless talent No. 12? No. It's a happy dance. You're up there and you dance happy. It's go go. Not cry cry. I'm quitting. You say that at least one night a week. I mean it this time. I need a dramatic change in my life. I've always said you're funny. But if you don't stop all that crying and shit I might have to fire your fucking ass. And I don't wanna fire your ass 'cause I love looking at your ass. Any girl leaving early must check out with their finger and have a bye-bye slip. Here is my finger. And here is my bye-bye slip. Dick. All right boys. Come on. All right. All right. Come on. Wait here, Lieutenant. I'll handle this. Hey, Abby. I can see you've had a spot of trouble, Romey. Would you like to tell me what happened? They escaped. All three? Yeah. I don't know... I don't know how they did it. Just... They got out... I'm sorry, Romey. But I just don't trust you anymore. And you know the rules. I'm out. I swear, Abby. I'm.. You're not gonna see me anymore. Not so fast. I also want your balls. I'm really quite attached to them. Oh, sweetheart. I was really attached to my specimens. Now they're out there in the night doing God knows what. I can't do it Abby. Please.. Please, Abby. Let me go you fuckers. Son of a bitch. Abby! Listen. You don't need, Abby. There's more. There's more I can get you all you'll ever need. Fucking fuzzy. Let me go you son of a bitch. I can get you more. No! Pick this up please. Where is the shit? The shit's right there. The deal is still good. No. It's not. Hell down on me. Now I want all of it. Looks like I got you by the balls, Abby. So. I ask you one more time. Where's... the... ...shit? Everywhere. Ah, bulls. Get that thing away from my pumps. It's just overheating. I need to get to town. It's just a stripped radiator cab. Water leaks when the heat's up. No pressure. Are you OK? I'm just Cherry. Wanna have a seat anywhere? I'll be right in. Here. Take this with you. Not your good spring water? Ain't nothing good about it. Bottled myself. I get it right there out of them. Thanks... JT. We're serving inside tonight. Best barbecue in Texas. Round the clock. I gotta go. Saving lives? Are you? How did you know that? Now that's a rump roast. I couldn't get off work this week. But you only have to stay till ten. A friend of mine will be here before ten to pick up Tony. I'm gonna eat your brains and gain your knowledge. What did I tell you? No playing with toys at the table. Didn't I tell you that? - Yeah. There's a packed suitcase under his bed. Give it to Tony to take with him when my friend picks him up. I'll leave him watching TV. But you need to be here in the next 20 minutes. Thank you. Hey, what happened to your tooth? - Fell out. Say a prayer for your old man. "No dead bodies for Dada tonight." No dead bodies for Daddy tonight. Amen. - Amen. Who was that you were talking to? - Baby-sitter. She's on her way. How's it going, JT? - All right. Still open I see. - Oh yeah. All night. Free of charge. Tonight is a special night. What's so special about tonight? Been open 25 years. You're the second person to show up tonight. Who's the first? Right there. Must be passing through. Seems only strangers eat here. I still eat here, JT. Yeah, you sure do. By the way don't choke on all that food you eat. Hello, Palomita. I don't go by that name any more. So You will become that fancy doctor? Never did. Thought for sure you would. Talked about it enough. That's the problem with goals. They become the thing you talk about instead of the thing you do. That's my jacket. I looked for it for 2 weeks. Yeah? How long did you look for me, Wray? Only the jacket belonged to me, you didn't. So. What are you doing now? I'm going to be a stand up comedian. Really? You're not funny. That's what I have been trying to tell everybody. But they all say I'm hysterical. But you are not. There is a difference between being frank ... and being dick. Yeah. Well. It was really good seeing you again. What name do you go by now? In case I wanna catch one of your shows. Cherry. Cherry Darling. It sounds like a stripper. No, it sounds like a Go Go Dancer. There's a difference. You'll always be Palomita to me. I need a ride. What do you say, El Wray? I'll give you a ride. Goodbye, Bill. Which means 'See you later' ? Of course. What's up, Doc? Your lady's looking pretty good there. We're gonna see.. See if she could suck the bend out of a river. I'm kidding. Take a look at that shit. What happened to your arm? I got bit. Bit? Bit by what? Well... If I told you, you probably wouldn't believe me. Some bacterium or something? Can you just sew it up? Normally, I would. I'd even be doing something to stop the bleeding. My problem is this one doesn't bleed. Oh shit, check this out. When this was still a military hospital, this one guy came back from Iraq with this. Chronic herpetic lesions. When he urinated, it came out through all these little holes here. Kind of like a fountain. Ah, Jesus. How did you treat it? Fuck that, I was never in Iraq. Good for you. This shit they spread around there you wouldn't believe. I swear to God I've got some Iraqi eye-balls a friend of mine brought back to make some studies on. Incredible. They were completely milked over. Mustard gas does it to the eyes. Actually, I still have those in my fridge. Spots fly you think? Chronic viral lesion. That looks like gout. He's running a temperature of 105. Is that bad? - It's high. Bad would be 108. You could have a seizure, go psychotic. And probably die. Say ahh. - Ahhh. Ugh! Jesus! Nice. Black abscess tongue. All abscesses should be drained. Period. Shut up, Joe. Baby. Get the needles. Right there. Right now. - Asshole. It's spreading. When did you say you got this bite? - Just now. We gotta lose the arm, Joe. Lose arm? What do you mean lose arm? My arm? It's spreading all the way up to your shoulder. Now if we don't sever that arm now it's gonna take over your chest. We can't very well cut that off, can we? Well shouldn't I get a second opinion? Hi Joe. I'm going to give you a very strong anesthetic. So you don't feel anything during the procedure. These are my friends. My yellow friend Is just to take the sting off. My blue friend You'll barely feel. That means my yellow friend has already taken effect. See how fast my friends work? And after my red-headed friend You'll never see me again. We all react differently. Now what? Dedicated to our own Jungle Julia. In loving memory. It's not the radiator. What? Fucking pale. Cheap. Hey! Bastard. Hey, stop. Stop! Stop please. What the hell was that? People picking up road kill. What? Like an armadillo? Deer. There are a lot of them around here. You know I read a statistic that said That the eating of venison has risen 30 percent in the last few years. Sixty percent of that's from road kill. People eat road kill? If you're driving out here at 70 miles an hour... ... and a deer darts out in front of you If you blink or brake or swerve ... Sure you'll just kill yourself. So what do you do? Pick them off. Just like this. Send them flying away from you. Unacceptable. Cherry? I thought you said if you saw a deer you shouldn't fucking swerve. That wasn't a deer. Palomita. Don't let her die on me, Block. What we got? - Car accident. Heavy contusions about the torso, possible spinal trauma. One severed limb. Where is the leg? Three 'psychos' attacked her. I shot at them. I never miss. They took the leg with them. You have to come with us Wray. We need to talk about this, you know. He has to sign her in. Do what now? If he's with her, he's responsible for her. He'll fill this out after we talk. Let's go. What were you doing with a rifle, Wray? Nothing. Just thinking about maybe doing some hunting when the season breaks. Come on, Wray. You know you are not supposed to be doing that stuff anymore. Here, I stick my neck out for you. Now you've got a girl in your wrecked truck with a missing leg? A missing leg? It's now missing? And here you're saying in front of everybody that someone up and snatched it? And that you shot at 'em with a gun that you never should have had in the first place? And that now they're gone? Sheriff, can we finish this conversation somewhere else? My thought exactly. Dr. Block. Three fresh ones rolling in. Christ, you're kidding. Automobile accident off Highway 18. DOA's? Get Andy to pick them up. That's unsanitary, Doc. It helps me monitor my state of calmness. If you get worked up enough to crack it. You might cut yourself pretty good. Then I'd know I was not calm. What do you say now, Doc? Somebody call my wife. It's JT, Sheriff. JT? How is the barbecue business? Ever since my bastard landlord raised the rent, it's going shit. Well, I'm sorry to hear about that. I wish there was something I could do. Right now I ain't calling my brother. I'm calling the sheriff. What's the trouble? - It ain't no trouble, not yet anyway. I've got two delinquents been hanging around here for over an hour. They won't purchase. They won't leave. Oh never mind, here they come. You cook that meat at 250 degrees, don't you? I don't remember. I set the heat with my hand. You give me that recipe or I'll raise your rent higher than Georgia pine. Brother, ain't no Texans ever gonna give you his barbecue recipe. That's a fact. He'd take it to his grave. I could be bleeding like a stuck pig I ain't gonna tell you. I could be dying in your arms, I ain't gonna tell you. We'll see about that. You gonna look? Or you gonna eat? You called for me? I need for you to see this. Looks like a no-brainer. What does that mean? No brain. Scooped clean out of her skull. .. don't... Don't tell me. Liquifactive necrosis. Do you think? - Oh sure. Thank you, that'll be all. Did you know she was back in town? No. I didn't. What happened to her? I don't know baby. I thought you stopped seeing each other. Oh yeah. Yes, you have now. She's fucking dead. I mean we stopped before. I haven't talked to her in a while. But you've written each other. Here and there. But nothing. What are you doing? Let me see your last three messages. You have no right ... - I don't? I don't have a right? Show it to me. No. Now that's just to take the sting off. Show it to me. No please. Show it to me. Now let's see how fast your friends work. It's pretty fast. What do I know, my love? Exactly. That you're a cheating ... lying... ... sack. I didn't want to hurt you. But you did. Because... You're insane. And I was afraid. Of what you might do to me. And to our son. I'm the mother of your son. And after this one I'll never see you again. Block. What? You've gotta see this. I'll be right there. Where the hell are the bodies? That's what we wanted to show you. They are gone. They didn't just get up and walk out, did they? Somebody take care of this perp for me before I fucking kill him. What the hell is going on? - He was causing a ruckus over at Skip's place. So I cuffed him. Son of a bitch. He bit my goddamn finger off. Quit your hollering and get yourself a goddamn band-aid. I'm not exaggerating, using colorful speech, Sheriff! He bit my finger clean off. Shit. Get him. Book him. Cause I'll fucking kill him if I have to do it. Carlos. Go get him. Wray. You stay put. Are you sure he is in there? He was. Motherfucker. He's gone. Broke out the window. Where's my finger? Found your ring. Could be the same guy as your leg snatcher? I didn't get a good look at mine. Is that him over there? Wray? No. Don't touch him. Why not? He is infected. With what? Everything. Wray! Drop the fucking gun. Where the fuck do you think you're going? I'm gonna go and get Cherry. Fine. But we're taking my car. I'm riding with you. Don't make any sudden moves. Viral infections. They came pouring in. Some are rapidly developing colophony lesions. Highly contagious. What do you think? Self-preservation comes to mind. Yeah. Just get the hell out of here. First let me get my wife. I love you sweetie. There you go. Come on. C'mon. Open up, dear. I want you to be around for a while. You understand? Damn. Mom. You fart like a goddam pack mule. I hate to do this to you, Earl. But we need every man on the job. The shit has hit the fan. We need some guns and ammo. Meet me at my brother's. I got you. I'll be there. Gotta eat quick, sweetie. C'mon. Oh my God! What the hell is going on? Are you gonna give me a gun? Are you fucking kidding me? Palomita. Get up. We're leaving. I can't walk. So what? Get up. Get up! Motherfucker. Look at me. Look at me. I was gonna be a stand up comedian. But who's gonna laugh now? Some of the best jokes are about cripples. Let's go. - It's not funny. It's pathetic. Would you stop crying over fucking... ...spilt milk? I have no leg. Now you do. What do you think? You could carry me, Wray? You never wanted that before. Why start now. Sheriff must have taken the others to JT's. Get in. God damn it. Wait for me. My leg stuck with the door. It's just wood. It's splintering. You just leave it alone. Why is this happening with me? Just do me a favor right now. Stay strong. Stay? Yeah baby. Stay. Okay. My name is Electra. Fucking listen. My name is Electra. My name is Electra, too. It's Berry. No. Is that Berry you want? And from Electra and from Emilia. Doesn't make any fucking sense. You can call me whatever the fuck you want. I don't give a shit. Conio, chica. You said 10. - I'm sorry. We can't be watching your kid all god damn night. Your friend never showed up and we got shit to do. That's right. Then start doing it. Hurry. We're leaving. Wait. My tarantula. Bring it. Let's go. And my turtle. And my scorpion. And we're not octopuses. We can't carry everything. Act upon it. C'mon. Let's go. Tony, what did I tell you? You can't bring them all. Didn't I tell you that? It's okay. They can live in the same tank. What about my pocket-bike? It's in the trunk. Where do you think you're going fucking bitch? Are you sure you're gonna do this? Everybody grab a badge and a gun! You're all deputies as of this moment forward. Except for you, Wray. Don't die for me. What do we got? Something's wrong up there. JT always comes out and greets. Let's go. Why don't just shoot yourselves? Don't shoot each other. But especially... Don't shoot me. JT? God. Get off him, Rusty. God-damn, JT. Barbecue? Asshole. Damn good sausage, JT. Best in Texas. I must have passed out after I killed those things. Nice shooting. Everybody gather up supplies. We head up to any. I want you to open that for mommy. Now take the gun. Careful. And if anyone comes to the door ... ... that isn't me I want you to shoot them, okay? I'm not kidding, Tony. You shoot them. Just like your video games. You shoot them in the head. What if it's Dad? Especially if it's your dad. And be careful where you point that thing. You'll blow your own face off. I'll be right back. I love you. Hello, baby. Look what you did to our son! Goddam it. I told you I didn't want to see you again. Daddy. Get your sorry ass in. If it's escape vehicles you want Escape vehicles I got. Right this way. Watch that meat. Meet my wife. Jessy James custom dominator. I made Jessy a plate of barbecue so God damn good He made this baby for me free of fucking charge. Got anything that can transport more people? Mustang. This baby is chopped. Permanent. Ain't got no bull bar, chicken wire, none of that shit. No protection. - And she's fast. Nitrous injected 350 horsepower engine. Who are you? I mean really. Wray's Wreckage? That's what it says on your truck. Are you a wrecker, Wray? I'm nobody. It's the easiest thing to remember. So remember it. Hey, you want some barbecue? Best in Texas. No thanks. What's the matter? You don't eat meat? Oh, I eat meat. I also eat lots of shit. See this? What's that? Shit eating grin. Got to be a comedian. What do you think of the leg? It's funny. How is your stump? They knocked it out something fierce. So I can't feel a thing. This must be the real Bone Shack. Old JT knows how to live. Like fuck he does. I like how you say fuck. Dude. Fuck you. Fuck me. Oh, so now you're the comedian. Go ahead. Drop your pants. That will be good for a laugh. I highly doubt that. That's my jacket. Yes. I know. I looked for it for two weeks. Look. You were being an unbelievable dick. I was walking out on you. I was cold. I took your fucking jacket. So. If you're gonna go on with your psycho-obsessive-controlling rants about a fucking jacket then fucking take it. Cause I'd rather fucking freeze than fucking hear about it one more time. Did you find what was in the pocket? Fuck now. Look for it. No. The other one. I was gonna give it to you. But you left me. And you took the jacket. And I looked for it for two weeks. Read it. Two against the world. Remember that? I never forgot it. Why did you leave? Because you didn't believe in us. Or in me. I'm sorry. You're gonna be all right. Come on. Move your ass! Come on. Are you all right? What did I tell you, Tony? Don't point the gun at yourself. Didn't I tell you that? Thank you for telling me about it. You know. Don't mention it. That's an order. If I had known that you were... El Wray I wouldn't have given you such a hard time. Didn't mean to be a prick about it. Need to know basis, that kind of shit. Take this. Do what you do best. No. You're not. Don't give him the gun. Give him that gun, Tolo. Give him that gun. Give him all the guns. That boy's got the devil in him. Get to fight. Come on. Get to our vehicles. Everyone behind me. Outside now. God damn you! Everybody back inside. You, Skip! Front and center. Go out front. Start up the Kill Dozer. We need it to transport the other survivors. You're fucking crazy? I'm not going out there. I'll cover you. - Not going. I never miss. Come on, Skip. It's go go. Not cry cry. Cherry! JT. You take whoever you can fit in your convertible. Everyone else on board. Skip, grab the twins. Come on with me. You take the chopper. I need someone else to drive my truck. - I'll do it. You're bleeding like a stuck pig. If your vision's blurred, you're on your last flight. Anything else? Don't wreck it. It ain't no barbecue without coleslaw. Take this. Fuckin' cool. I can take care of myself. Bye, Daddy. You remember how to ride a bike? Useless talent number 32. Good. Anyone else have a car? Are you sure you're okay driving this van? Hell yeah. Dakota! Your engine is shot you've got three blown tires. But it's got his pocket-bike in the trunk. Is it fast? - Zero to fifty in four seconds. You go with her. I'm Cherry. You sure are. Move out. Damn machine. Rusty! Goddammit! Sheriff? How much ammo we got? Not enough. Don't shoot. We're not infected. All survivors gotta come with us. Especially you. El Wray. I don't go by that name anymore. It's okay. We're here in quarantine with the other survivors. Where is here? Field Army Base. El Wray? That you? He's with them. I saw him in the convoy earlier. I'm a scientist. And a businessman. Not military. Princess wise is gonna tell us what the fuck is going on. They are stealing biochemical weapons. DC2? Also known as Project Terror. Designed to take out an entire populace in a controlled land locked area. And you were supplying it to them? So why'd they shut you out? They've found my supply. It's under our feet. Ten stories down. The only treatment is a regimented exposure to DC-2 itself. Delays the negative effects. They need it. Like a drug. Correct. But we found that a small percentage of people are not affected by the gas itself. And within this small percentage lies a cure. What do you wanna do? Mexico. Put our backs against the ocean. And defend ourselves from there. No. We have to get back to my lab. This infection will spread all over the world. To every man, woman and child... Unless I finish my antidote. You have an antidote? You. You. Come with us. Move it. Do you like Ava Gardner? Sorry? Ava Gardner. Do you like her? Yeah, I guess. I'm just thinking that you ... ... kinda look like Ava Gardner a little bit. You've got something you wanna say to me? I have nothing to say to you. You've nothing to say huh? That's funny. Cause I coulda swear you just give me a fuck you look great now. You wanna say Fuck You to me? Not at this moment. You know what this is? A gun? It's simplicity itself. You see you point it at what you want to die. And you pull the little trigger here. And a bullet comes out here. And the bullet hits you right there. And you know what? You don't look like Ava Gardner no more. Don't taunt me, tramp. I am not one to be taunted. You got it? Let me hear you say, " I got it. " I got it. You're damn more better. Salt. Get it. I figured out it's salt. Blood is salty. That's all my sauce needed which is a little more salt. Just needed a little thickening agent. You know what I'm talking about. What are you doing JT? That's all I got to do to put a little more salt in. To do the same goddamn thing that blood did. I'm telling you, my brothers, that little bit of blood did the trick. Don't do nothing stupid, JT. I got it covered. It's already got my sweat. It's got my tears. Now all it needs is some blood. Drop the gun. JT? Do it now. Don't shoot. JT you all right? He's all right, bro. God damn but I'm not all right at all, brother. Not at all. Wait here. I sure will. Goddam sauce. ... in cages. See them in action. See them in love. See them in terror. White skin on the black market. Soft flash for hard cash. Women in cages. I'm gonna get my dick wet. She's got one leg. Easier access. Good point. Get the rest of the shit upstairs and we'll blow this entire floor. Get Lewis down here. He's getting his dick wet, Sir. Get him the fuck down here now. Lewis. Listen. Where are my men? I've got several right here. What the fuck is this? Their balls, sweetheart. Let us go. Tell me why we should. Because I earned it. How you figure that? You want the story? I spin it for you quick. Turmoil in some nasty caves on the Afghan border. Me and my men walking around with our dicks in our hands. And our balls in or throats. Looking for America's most wanted. Bin Laden - Yeah. For once I ran towards right on the money. I come around a corner. Bam. There he is looking me right in the eyes. Wait. You killed Bin Laden? I put two in his heart. One in his computer. So that was you. Yeah. That was me. He wasn't supposed to be there. We weren't supposed to be there. And I sure as fuck wasn't supposed to be the one who punches % ticket. So instead of a chest full of medals we got a face full of DC2. No cure. There is none till we find somebody from the other side ... willing to sell us batches of this shit. Science comes first. But business comes a close fucking second. Then you realized if you could infect a large enough populace ... and experiment on its survivals You'd find a cure. I swore to my men that I'd do everything in my power to keep them alive. That's what I intend to do, Wray. Understand... I never had a choice. Neither do I, sir. God bless you and your service to this country. Are you a doctor? I was earlier tonight. I always wanted to be a doctor. Instead, I can do this. Useless talent No. 66. I'm very pliable. A girlfriend of mine had a theory. She said at some point in your life You find a use for every useless talent you've ever had. It's like connecting the dots. I'm not that optimistic. I feel like I'm sinking down the drain and I can't get out. She'd say When you're stuck in that spiral You reach up. What if there's nothing up there. Just reach up. You're a dancer. I was earlier tonight. Well, I'm pulling you out of retirement. I'm starved for entertainment, baby. And that means you. Radio. Well, baby. Now. That's what I'm talking about. Keep dancing. I have seen me some crazy ass shit in my day. But I ain't never seen me a one-legged stripper. I've seen me a stripper with one breast. And I've seen me a stripper with twelve toes. And I've seen me a stripper with no brains at all. But I ain't never seen me a one-legged stripper. And I'll bet them rock. Dance bitch! Break a leg. Break it off. Dance for me, motherfucker. You thought it was pretty funny, didn't you? Actually Yes. You gave me some wood? Now I'm gonna give you some... ... fucking wood! Your Gas! You need your gas! Fucking gas. Fuck it! I'm just gonna have to make this quick. Where did you get that? Useless talent No. 37. I broke my leg. - Okay. I made you something. I do believe in you. I always have. I believe that you can be better. You deserve better. Even better than me. Right now.. I need you to become.. Who you were meant to be. Stand. Open that door, will you baby? We've destroyed most of the tanks. Any that are left we'll get on our way to the helicopters. There are two helicopters. Big enough to take all of us. Who can fly? Can anyone else fly a helicopter? I can fly, but... No way in hell I'm gonna fly on that. Okay. Cool. I'll fly. I think we're gonna stay here, Wray. Take care of this for me then, Sheriff. With pleasure. Two minutes. Brother's a good man, JT. Best in Texas. Hop on. No. The other way. No. The other way. The helicopters are on the other side of this wall. We make a run for it. No. If we all get killed, there's no stopping this plague. Don't you get it? We're the antidote. Was there another way around? Wait here. I suppose there are any other biochemical engineers around? I think there is no. We have to get over that wall. I was thinking we could build us a new place. Right there where the old one was. You cook. I work the back. You don't make that rent so goddamn high. Share the recipe. We'll share the rent. Start at 250 degrees. I knew it. For how long? - For about ... Twelve pounds. Twelve hours. Wrapped in tinfoil, right? I don't use no goddamn foil. Damn. Tomatoes? Fresh? Canned. No shit? - Yeah. Score me some? - Oh, yeah. Cause we're brothers. Thank you for this. You just remember. You gotta take this recipe to your grave. I think I can goddamn guarantee that. That's our cue. Cherry, darling. Follow you. Let's go. Wray! Okay. Can you do that? Cause we're leaving. They told me I'd find you here. I was beginning to lose hope. I'm sorry. But I lied. I did want to hurt you. My turn. No more dead bodies for Daddy tonight. Never liked that son of a bitch. Was as useless as a pecker on a pope. Don't touch anything. He said not to touch anything. Shut up. Sit down and don't fucking touch anything. Everybody sit down. Go. Leave me. I am not leaving you here like this. Motherfuckers around here eat road kill. You see? I'm funny. I made you laugh. Go to the ocean. Put your backs to it. Protect yourselves there. I'm not leaving you Wray. Two against the world. There will be. I promise. I never miss. Don't worry, baby. You'll find your way. It's like you said it would be, Wray. I'm like you said I would be. I find the lost. The weary. Those who have no hope. I find them. And I lead them. To a land we've made for ourselves. The land by the sea. It's beautiful. She's beautiful. I wish you could see us. Us two. It's like you said it would be. Two against the world baby. Two against the world. This film is a brilliant achievement in motion picture history. Finally, the truth about Hitler's diabolical plans to create a race of superwomen can be told. Werewolf Women of the S.S. Welcome to Death Camp 13. Home of the Nazis' diabolical plan. To create an army of super werewolf soldiers. This is projected. Its failure will be your demise. ... and the end of Germany, Borman. You have been chosen. Rejoice. They have found the perfect solution. The She-Devils of Belzac. Can they alone supply the blood needed to save Hitler's mad dreams? Or with the pride of Germany fall into ruin? This is my project. We are now in total control of Pure Wolf. Featuring Udo Kier Sheri Moon Zombie Tom Towles This is my Mecca! If you.. are thinking of going into this house If you ... ... are thinking ... of opening ... this door. If you... ... are thinking ... of checking out ... the basement. Don't look behind. Don't look in there. Don't look up. Don't look anywhere. Don't scream for help. Don't even breathe. Timing & Text by Bodza If you are thinking of seeing this film alone. In the town of Plymouth, Massachusetts The 4th Thursday in November is the most celebrated day in the year. The table is set. The festivities have begun. For the uninvited guests to arrive. And this year there will be... ... no leftovers. White meat. Dark meat. All will be carved. Come on Judy. How about it? Happy Thanksgiving, baby. Cool it, Judy. We're safe. Bobby's here. It's blood. Son of a bitch. Arrive hungry. Happy Thanksgiving, Grandma. From director Eli Roth. You'll come home for the holidays In a body bag. This February. Get more out of life. Go out to a movie. Hold on, I gotta come up! I gotta take the world's biggest fuckin' piss! We can't be late! We won't! Who's holding? - If you're not, then nobody. We were kinda hoping you were. Yeah, how are you not holding? Jesus Christ, Shanna. It's not my fucking job to supply you all with weed when we go out. Ah. Whoa Whoa, little lady. You're getting angry kinda quick, don'tcha think? I was just teasing you. - I'm not angry... It just would be nice if ya'll didn't just count on me all the fuckin' time. And surprise me every once in a while with pot. Okay, mean girl in a high school movie. All right. C'mon guys, don't fight. I'll pay for it when we get some. One, it's not about the money. It's about the pain in the ass of scoring, And two, we're not really fighting. Arlene, you've forgotten what hanging out with Jungle Julia's like. That wasn't a fight. That was Julia acting like a grumpy bitch. And me calling her on it and indulging her at the same time. Billboard. Okay. Is Christian Simonson gonna be there? You bet your ass he is. - Christian Simonson the filmmaker's in town. He's got a big thing for Julia. If he had a big thing for me, he'd fuckin' call me. As opposed to disappearing for six months. And he'd get his ass down here more often than he does. And on my birthday he'd give me a fucking phone call. But other than that, he's putty in my hands. So what's the plan, man? Margaritas and Mexican food at Guero's. Touch base with Chris and Jessie. Tell them about later and make damn sure they come. Those other guys will be waiting for us to join at the Texas Chilli Parlor. Oh shit. Speaking of which? What happened with you and Nate last night? Well you know not much. We just fuckin' met each other. I mean if you don't bust their balls a little bit they're never gonna respect ya'. Okay. We're pretty clear on what it is you didn't do. How about enlightening us on what it is you did do? Nothing to write home about. We just made out on the couch for about twenty minutes. Dressed, half-dressed or naked? Dressed. I said we made out. We didn't do "the thing". Excuse me for living but what is "the thing"? You know it's everything but. They call that "the thing"? I call it "the thing". Do guys like "the thing"? They like it better than no-thing. Yeah sure. Oh yeah, I wanna get back to what it is you did do. So you're making out on the couch with Nate, right? Correct. - Whose couch? His or the one in your hotel room? What am I stupid over here? Mine. Were you making out sitting up or lying down? We started sitting up, we worked our way to lying down. Humm. The plot thickens. Who was on top? I was straddling him. So what about tonight? - Well, we'll see, Shanna. I mean I like Nate. He's cute, he's a pretty good kisser. But it ain't a done deal. Yeah, fuck Nate. I mean he's cute an all, but Jessie Letterman's gonna be all over her. Jessie Letterman the Austin director who did "Potheads"? He's a good friend. Maybe they can bring some pot. Fuck that. No. I don't want to be either A, depending on their fucking ass or B, dependent on their ass. If we don't score ourselves... ... we're gonna be stuck with them all fucking night. Try Lanna-Frank. Best idea you've had all day. Okay. That's your last billboard before Guero's. Oh c'mon, give me a break. Oh c'mon, my ass. We said every time. - Okay. You wanna join us? ...for a second, but... I'm with some friends. So you must... must be this... You must be the infamous Butterfly. - Shhh. She don't know nothing about it. Know about what? - What we're all gonna tell her. Tell me what. Yeah. Now thanks to you I gotta tell her sooner than later. Cut the shit. What the fuck is going on? I said a little something about you in the air today. Julia what the fuck did you say about me on the radio? All I said was I had a sexy friend named Butterfly. Who's in from out of town for the weekend. And we will be going out somewhere in Austin tonight. And if they were out on the town, maybe they'd see us. And I described you. And I said that if they spotted you while we were out If they do something, you'd do something. Okay. Now Julia I'm serious. What did you say? And what did you say I'd do. Anywho, I could explain what I said, which would be boring... ...or Marcy over here, who is an incredible actress, could act it out for you, which... I think will give you a better idea of what you have in store for you tonight. Okay. So just tell me your way. So we'll act it out with Marcy? Sure. Okay, give Marcy your drink. Thank you. Okay. So... You're in a club or a bar. And Marcy is a kinda cute, or kinda hot, or kinda sexy, or better be fuckin' hysterically funny, but not funny looking guy ...who you could fuck. Got it. Okay. Marcy, take it. Howdy. Hi there. Excuse me, but your name wouldn't be Butterfly, would it? Yes it is, and it seems you have me at a disadvantage. Barry. - Pleased to meet you, Barry. You all are getting me hot! So is the Butterfly your real name? Yes it is. How did you know my name, Barry? I listened to Jungle Julia's show this morning. Oh you did, did you? Oh, yeah. I listen to her show every morning. Oh you do, do you? Yeah. She's like the coolest lady in town. Don't you think she's got a big ass? No, man. I like her ass that way. She's got a black girls ass. Well that's what she always says, but in actual fact... She doesn't really have a black girls ass. She's got a big ass. Okay, what the fuck are you doing? Oh, look who wants to get to the point all of a sudden. Okay, we'll get to the point. But for your information, skinny-bitch, Black men and a whole lot of mother fucking white men have had plenty fun adoring my ass. I don't wear their teeth marks on my butt for nothing. All right. If you're not gonna buy me a drink, can I have mine back? So Butterfly... Can I buy you a drink? I'd love one. What can I get you? I take a margarita. Here you go. So after they buy you a drink ... When they their glass to toast ... ... they look you dead in the eye ... and repeat this poem. The woods are lovely dark and deep And I have promises to keep And miles to go before I sleep. Did you hear me Butterfly? Miles to go before you sleep. And then... ... if they say that You gotta give him a lap dance. - What? If they call you Butterfly, buy you a drink and repeat that poem ... ... you'll have to give him a lap dance. That's bullshit. I ain't giving them nothing. Look, you can do it or not. But if you don't, everybody in Austin is gonna think you're a chicken shit. And I don't think you want everybody in Austin thinkin' you're a chicken shit. I ain't givin' nobody no lap dance cause of what you said. Look. You don't have to do it for anybody you don't want. I said you'll do it for the first guy who says it. So ... Some geek comes over trying to be cool... Just tell him you already did it at another place earlier. No harm, no foul. But you get a free drink out of it. But maybe a little later in the evening... You've had a few drinks. You're kinda loosey goosey. You're safe with your girls. Then some kinda cute, kinda hot, kinda sexy, hysterically funny, but not funny looking guy comes up and says it. Then maybe you did it earlier... ... maybe you didn't. Any dead soldiers here? - Ah, these two. Thank you. Where the hell is Lanna-Frank? That's a good fucking question. Lanna-Frank? Where are you? Well come over already, we're waiting for you. Shit. Hold on! So where are you? Come over already. We're waiting for you. No, we're not coming over there. You come over here like you said you would. So is it Shauna and the girls at the lakehouse this weekend? Shauna? - Ah. Fuck, I... - No. Now there is one thing that every girl in the whole world whose name is Shanna, has in common with each other. We all hate the name Shauna. And we really hate it when people call us Shauna. Just remember. It's Shanna Banana, not Shauna Banuna. Okay, but some point in the evening I had fuckability style. Yeah. I mean it wasn't bullish, but... Okay. Warren's sending over shots. And you know the house rule. If he sends over shots, you gotta do them. Why? Them's the Rules, baby. Warren says it, we do it. I love that philosophy. Warren says it, we do it. So let's do it. What is it? Shot first. Questions later. Here we go. Post time. Is that a tasted marriage or is that a tasted beverage? What the fuck is it? Chartreuse. The only liquor so good they named a color after it. Who's there for dose Chartreuse? I'm going out for a smoke. Okay-dokey. Keep the hot flame alive. Blow up the joint. Drinks. What can I get you? Shanna Banana? Another bigass long island ice tea. Bombay Sapphire and tonic. No ice. Oh, boy. Oh wait, Punky. One of the lights is off in the parking lot. Flip it. Now look. You can't look like you're trying to get her out of here before Christian Simonson shows up. But you gotta get her outta here before Christian Simonson shows up. What's the point? They're going to Shanna's daddy's house at Lake L.B.J. and it's no guys. Absolutely no guys. - Okay. So after we bring the girls drinks... In fairly rapid order, but not obvious... We order two more rounds of shots. Do you think they're gonna fall for that? We'll be very convincing. Now it's time to turn up the volume. No more fuckin' around. We go to Jager shots. Man, they drink Jager shots? Dude, as long as a guy's buying the booze, a fuckin' bitch'll drink anything. C'mon, we can at least get one shot of Jager down these fuckin' bitches throats. After that, we'll see if they get another Jager shot in them. You never know. That could be the shit that puts them past the point of fuck-it. And all of a sudden no guys at the lake house ... turns into a couple of guys at the lake house. My point exactly. Check it out! Jesus. Dude, fucking cut himself falling out of his time machine. And where did you two disappear to? I had to get something out of the car ... and Nate was gentlemanly enough to escort me with his umbrella. Ah. Good for you, Nate. See that pretty girl standing by herself at the bar? Who, the dirty hippy? Meow. She's not a hippy. She might as well be a hippy. Thank you, Tim boy. Well. Do you know what just happened to her? No, but I know she's a skinny fake blonde bitch. Oh, I'm sorry. You were telling a story. What about her? Hey, Warren! Is there anybody in this place you could vouch for to give me a ride home? Fair lady. Your chariot awaits. You've been eavesdropping? There's eavesdropping and can't help but hear. I think I belong in the latter category. So, Icy Hot... You offering me a ride home? I'm offering you a lift. If when I'm ready to leave, you are too. And when are you thinking about leaving? Truthfully, I'm not thinking about it. But when I do... You will be the first to know. Will you be able to drive later? I know looks can be deceiving. But I'm a teetotaler. I've been drinking club soda and lime all night. Now I'm building up to my big drink. Which is what? Virgin Pina Colada. Okay. Why would someone who doesn't drink... ...spend hours at a bar drinking water? You know a bar offers all kinds of things other than alcohol. Really? Like what? Women. Nacho Grande Platters. The fellowship of some fascinating individuals ... like Warren here. Fair enough. So what's your name, Icy? Stuntman Mike. Stuntman Mike's, your name? You ask anybody. Hey, Warren. Who is this guy? Stuntman Mike. And who the hell is Stuntman Mike? He's a stuntman. Warren, six shots of Wild Turkey. It's about fucking time. Take a picture, it lasts longer. What? That table seems to keep getting your attention. Is that the girl from the billboard outside? Yep. She sure is a striking looking woman. You got gin, tequila... Look at that hair. Lots of leaving conditioner. Is that jealousy I detect? Hardly. But if you wanna get with Jungle Julia... There's a really easy way to do that. - Really? And what would that be? - Get famous. You won't have to find her. She'll find you. And you don't even wanna know what she did for that billboard. Enjoy it, cocksucker. You've earned it. What did she ever do to you? We went to school together. From kindergarten through high school. That's what she did to me. She was her height right now at twelve. She was a monster. Half the guys she still fucks from the old class she used to beat up and terrorize in the 5th grade. I see she used to beat you up and take your chocolate milk, huh? That pituitary case, might have kicked my ass a couple of times. Sorry, I'm built like a girl - not a black man. But I'd die before I ever gave Julia Lucai my chocolate milk. Hey Are you famous or something? Or something. No really. Hey, what do you do? Really? What I do is work my ass off to get my own record label off the ground. Why that girl wanted a picture of me... ... is because I'm a local D.J. Wait a minute. You got a billboard by "Bug Kahuna Burger" don'tcha? Yeah. I got one there, too. Jungle Julia Lucai. Stuntman Mike Mikki. Good to meet you, Stuntman Mike. Now my friends and I are going to continue to get our weed on. Would you care for some? Thank you, Julia. But just the same... No thanks. Suit yourself. Sorry. Nothing. Who the fuck was that? You got some voucher here. I asked him what movies you worked on. No fucking clue. Well technically, I really don't know if he's ever done anything for sure. He shows me an episode of "High Chaparral" - a guy falls off the horse. He says it's him. Do you know the show "The Virginian"? There was another actor on that show Gary Clarke And I look like him a bit. Obviously before I cut myself shaving. I like it. Well damn if you ain't so sweet you make sugar taste just like salt. Anyway, I did a lot of Virginians doubling Gery Clark. And... Then that show turned into "The Men of Shiloh" They brought on Lee Majors and I doubled him. From that point on I specialized mostly in car stunts. I did the whole third season of "Vegas" I was Robert Urich's driving double. And then Bob did another show, "Gavilan" And he brought me with him on that, too. And after that... Do you know any of these shows or people I'm talking about? Sorry. No. No. So, how exactly... ... does one become a stuntman, Stuntman Mike? Well in Hollywood... Anybody fool enough to throw himself down a flight of stairs... ...can usually find somebody to pay him for it. But really, I got into the business.. ...why most people get in the stunt business. How's that? My brother got me in it. Who' your brother? Stuntman Bob. I'm ready to play. - Finally, yeah. You need to catch up with us. Now the party can start. - Yeah. ... any who. I'm sorry. Can you forgive me? But you have to be real nice to me for the whole rest of the time I'm here. Promise. Are you ready to go to the lake? How about your little friend, you want to bring him? I thought no boys? If you really want him to come, Shanna won't mind. So how about it, boys or just us girls? Us girls. Good idea. Ladies? Cheers, Butterfly. The woods are lovely dark and deep And I have promises to keep And miles to go before I sleep. Did you hear me, Butterfly? Miles to go. Before you sleep. Sorry, Stuntman Burt. - Mike. Mike. She already broke off that dance. Is that true? Did I miss my chance? Do I frighten you? Is it my scar? It's your car. Yeah, I know. Sorry. It's my mom's car. Have you been following us? No. But that's what I love about Austin. It's just so damn small. You've seen this guy before? I saw him outside of Guero's. I saw you outside of Guero's, too. You saw my car. I saw your legs. Now look, I ain't stalking y'all, but I didn't say I wasn't a wolf. So you really weren't following us? I'm not following you, Butterfly. I just ... ... got lucky. So... How about that lap dance? Sorry. It was a one time only offer. And she did earlier this evening at Antoine's. No she didn't. How do you know? I'm good that way. And you look a little touchéd. What's touchéd? Wounded, slightly. Why should I be wounded? Because you expected guys to be pestering you all night. But from your look I can tell nobody pestered you at all. That kinda hurt your feelings a little bit didn't it? There are few things as fetching as a bruised ego on a beautiful angel. So... How about that lap dance? I think I'm gonna have to give you a rain check. Well since you'll be leaving in the next couple of days... That rain check will be worthless. But that's okay. I understand if I make you uncomfortable. You're still a nice girl. And I still like you. But I must warn you of something. You know how people say... "You're okay in my book" Or... "In my book that's no good" Well, I actually have... ... a book. And everybody I ever meet goes in this book. And now I've met you and you're going in the book. Except... I'm afraid I... ... must file you ... under ... chicken shit. And what if I did it? Well, I definitely couldn't file you under chicken shit then, now could I? What's your name again? Stuntman Mike Well, Stuntman Mike... I'm Butterfly. My friend Jungle Julia over here says that jukebox inside is pretty impressive. Yeah, it is. I want you go get ready for your lap dance. Ready to go? Yeah. Bye. - Bye. Looking good, Cannonball Run! He's just giving me a ride. Ah. No doubt. Have a nice ride. Look, double fucks! I am not gonna fuck him. I can hear you. He's old enough to be my dad. I can still hear you. I love her ass. Wow. That's fucking scary. Well, I wanted to be impressive, and... Scary tends to impress. Is it safe? No, it's better than safe. It's Death Proof. How do you make a car death proof? Well, that's what stuntmen do. You've seen a movie where a car gets into some smash up... ...there ain't no way in hell anybody's walkin' away from? Yeah. - Well... How do you think they accomplish that? CGI? Well, unfortunately Pam, nowadays, more often than not, you're right. But back in the all or nothing days... The Vanishing Point days, the Dirty Mary Crazy Larry days The White Line Fever days... Real cars smashing into real cars. Real dumb people driving them. So give the stunt team the car you wanna smash up. They take her, reinforce that fucker everywhere and... Voila! You got yourself a death proof automobile. That makes sense. I just didn't know you can make a car death proof. I can drive this baby into a brick wall doing 125 miles an hour. Just for the experience. Why is your passenger seat in a box? Well this is a movie car. Sometimes when you're shooting a crash, the director wants to put a camera in the car. And he'll shoot the crash from the inside. That's where you put the camera. They call it a crash box here. There you go. You know when you asked to drive me home... You didn't mention your car didn't have a passenger seat. Actually, I didn't ask to drive you home. You asked me for a ride, and I said, yes. But look at the bright side, Pam. I won't be getting fresh putting my hand on your knee. That is the bright side. I thought so. Well, Pam... Which way you going, left or right? Right. Oh, that's too bad. Why? Because it was a fifty fifty shot on whether you'd be going left or right. You see we're both going left. You could have just as easily been going left, too. And if that was the case... It would have been a while before you started getting scared. But since you're going the other way, I'm afraid you're gonna have to start getting scared... ... immediately. Fuck! Fuckin' let me out of here. Stop the fucking car. Okay. I get it. This was all joke? How super funny it is. Really funny. Okay. You could stop now. If you just drop me off? Remember when I said this car was death proof? Well, that wasn't a lie. This car is a hundred percent death proof. Only to get the benefit of it, honey... You really need to be sitting in my seat. Now I gotta catch me my other girlfriends. No. It's Dave Dee Dozy Beaky Mitch and Titch. So you got it? Thanks, honey. You're gonna play it next song, right? Good boy. Bye-bye. What do you want to hear? Dave Dee Dozy Beaky Mitch and Titch. Who? Dave, Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mitch and Titch. Who the fuck are they? For you information Pete Townshend at one point almost quit The Who And if he had, he would have ended up in this group. Thus making it Dave Dee Dozy Beaky Mitch Titch and Pete. And if you ask me, he should have. That's my boy. I wanna hear this helluva song louder. I don't remember. Doctor Block! Well. What's the patient's prognosis, Doctor Block? I don't really see it's any of your business. Come on now. You just tell us. How bad is it? He got banged up real good. Busted nose. Broken collar-bone. Smashed up his left index finger. He was real lucky. That'll be all? Well, that's more than enough. Now I wanna thank you Doctor Block. Son of a bitch. So Pop? What do you think? Well Son, number one... What I think is so goddamn ghoulish I hesitate to speak it out loud. Well, give it a shot. Well, what we have here is a case of vehicular homicide. That old boy in there murdered pretty little girls. I mean he used a car not a hatchet, but... They're dead just the same. Well. What are you gonna do? Not a goddamn thing. D.A. says ain't no crime here. One of the girls was swimming in alcohol... ... floatin' on weed. The old "Hooper" in here... He was as clean as a whistle. You actually think that he premeditatedly murdered the girls? Well, I can't prove it. But since thinking don't cost nothin' I can think it, and I do. Yeah, but Pop He got pretty banged up hisself. Hell yeah, he got banged up. But God damn, I mean the pretty girls looked like a goddamn giant chewed them and spit them out. Did any of them survive? - Oh, shit. Two tons of metal. Two hundred miles an hour. Why? Well... I'd guesstamate it's a sex thing. The only way I can figure it. High velocity impact. Twisted metal. Busting glass. All four souls taking exactly at the same time. Probably the only way that diabolical degenerate can shoot his goo. Your timing couldn't be better, Zoe. It just so happens that we're all three off duty for the next three days of shooting. Fuckin' hell, how does that happen? Well, I'm doing Lindsey Lohan's make up, and she's off for the next three days. There's no stunts being filmed during that time, so Kim's free. And Lee's on a will notify for the next four days. So how's the shoot going? Great. We're having the best time. The director, Cecil Evans is so much fun. We're making the coolest movie and partying. All the time. - Hell, yeah. The next job after this one is definitely gonna suck. So let's hear it ladies. "Set Romances", who's getting it off? That would be Lee and Toolbox. Ohh, Toolbox. The name sounds promising. - He's a grip. What he is, is a pervert. Well, he just keeps sounding better and better. What's his perversion? He likes to watch me pee. Lee is sitting on the toilet and Toolbox is watching her pee. P-I-SS-I-N-G. Yeah, but not no more. Now she's gettin' it on with The Rock. Your havin' one off with The Rock? Not the Real Rock. He's an electrician named Bruce. And Kim started calling him The Rock cause kinda looks like The Rock. So now we all just call him The Rock. Kim - dick department - let's hear it. No dick this trip. I gotta man. How long have you had this boyfriend? About three months. Who did you steal him from? Nobody. Kim. - What? He totally had a girlfriend. All of Kim's boyfriends start out as somebody else's boyfriend. I did not steal him. I didn't steal any of them... They just... ... jumped ship. So what's your story, Abernathy? Abby's got the big Kahuna. I had a set crush on Cecil. Set crush, nigga please. You were his set wife. Were and had being the key words here. Bitch, you two are still into each other and you know it. Oh yeah, well if he's so in love with me, then... Why did he fuck Daryl Hannah's stand in? Yes, men are dogs. Oh, it's so funny. Oh, it's so funny. Oh stop actin' like you all hurt, your ass is just mad. Yeah, he's a stand-in fucker. Bitch, you need to get over that shit. That was two weeks ago. Oh, well now you put it like that. I haven't told you the best part. He fucked her on my birthday. Oh. That's a horse of a different color. Thank you. Did he know it was your birthday? He's a director, he's kind of busy. He ate a piece of my birthday cake ... and he got me a present. Yeah. I think he knew. What did he give? He made me a tape. He made you a tape? - Yeah. He didn't burn you a CD, he made you a tape? Yeah. - Ah man, it's so romantic. Yes, I know what you're gonna say, so don't even go there. It sounds like the test of true love to me. I know you guys like him, he's likeable. But he fucked another woman on my birthday. How can you not be on my side? Well I admit that sounds bad. It is bad. It just sounds like there's a little more to it than that. Were you two fucking? - Hell no. Hello, is your name Abernathy? Sorry. The answer to your question is no. Of course not. What do you mean, "no, of course not"? The reason Cecil hasn't had a girlfriend in six years, is because girls will fuck him. And if you fuck Cecil, you don't become one of his girlfriends. Not to say I want to be his girlfriend. But if I did want to be his girlfriend... If I fucked him, I wouldn't be his girlfriend. I'd be one of his regulars. And I'm just getting too fuckin' old for that shit. Have you let him do anything? Yes. I've let him give me a foot massage. And when we go to the movies, I've let him hold my hands. Bitch, you might be acting like you're twelve years old. But he's just acting like a man. You need to break that nigga off a piece. Let me get this straight. You're not fuckin' him. You're not sucking him. You're not giving him any tongue. But Daryl Hannah's stand in is. You know some cultures might say he made the wise choice. Zoe, Kim and I are in the Philippines at an outdoor rave. What were you working on? "Three Kicks To The Head Part III" And admittedly, we were a little fucked up. Cheers to that. So Zoe... The genius... ...wants to take a picture of me. It's dark as hell and you can't see shit. So she's got her camera and keeps saying, "Step back a little." So I do. Then... "A little further", so I step back a little further. Then "A little more", so I do. Then I realize... I'm right at the edge of a seven foot concrete ditch. With God knows how many rocks and broken bottles and rats in it. And if I fell in that fuckin' thing, I probably would've broken my fuckin' neck. So I'm yelling at her, "Zoe, you almost killed me." So we laugh about it, and walk a little further... And Zoe starts fuckin' around And then if she doesn't fall in the fuckin' ditch. I remember taking a step looking down. Just as I'm thinking "Oh, there's that ditch Abby was talking about." Bam, I'm in the fuckin' ditch. What happened? What? With Zoe the Cat? Nothing. If I fell in that fuckin' thing, They would have had to helicopter me out of there. Zoe just lands on her feet. But then later... I started feeling a little bad about myself. Zoe falls in the ditch... And it's nothing. We were laughing about it. If I fell in that fuckin' thing, I probably would have been fuckin' paralyzed. Oh honey, you can't think like that. We all have our individual talents. That just happens to be one of Zoe's. Physically speaking... Zoe is amazing. I mean agility, reflexes, nimbleness. There's few human beings that can fuck with Zoe on that front. Kim, I like you, too. Having said that... Before you get too envious of Zoe's prowess... You're missing the most important part of that story. You didn't fall in the ditch. Zoe did. Zoe even knew there was a ditch there because you told her. And she still fell in. So Lee's right. We all have our talents. I resemble that remark. So Kim, you still pack a Roscoe? Check it out, bitch. Oh, nice one, Mate. What's a Roscoe? Roscoe is a pistol. You carry a gun? Uh-huh. Do you have a license to carry it? Yeah. When I became a Secret Service Agent, they gave me a license. I didn't know you were. Okay, I didn't say it. Stop looking at me, I didn't say it. Did you know Kim carried a gun? Yes. Do I approve? No. Do I know? Yes. Look. I don't know what futuristic utopia you live in, but the world I live in... A bitch need a gun. You can't get around the fact... ... that people who carry guns ... tend to get shot more than people who don't. And you can't get around the fact... that if I go down in the laundry room in my building at midnight enough times I might get my ass raped. Don't do your laundry at midnight. Fuck that! I wanna do my laundry whenever the fuck I wanna do my laundry. There are other things you can carry other than a gun. Pepper spray. But if a motherfucker try to rape me, I don't wanna give him a skin rash. I wanna shut that nigga down. How about a knife at least? You know what happens to motherfuckers carrying knives? They get shot. Look... If I ever become a famous actress I won't carry a gun. I'll hire me a do-dirt-nigga and he'll carry the gun. And when shit goes down, I'll sit back and laugh. But until that day... It's Wild West motherfucker. So Zoe! You thought about what you wanna do first? It just so happens... I know exactly what I wanna do. Oh, really? And what would that be? To me there's no point in being in America unless you're gonna drive a Destroit muscle car. I wanna drive a Dodge Challenger. Fuck me swinging, balls out. Well, I guess we can talk to transpo- But does it have to be a Dodge Challenger? Not just that. It has to be a 1970 Dodge Challenger with a 440 engine. How in the fuck... Do you expect to do that? No worries, Mate. I've got it all worked out. When I knew I was coming here, I went online and found out that the local paper here in Tennessee... Is the Lebanon News Sentinel. So back home... I'm sorry, where's home, Australia, right? What do you mean by that, Mate? Zoe's from New Zealand. And you never... I repeat never... ... call a Kiwi an Aussie. That is unless you want your ass kicked. I'm so sorry... That's okay. We're just taking the piss out of you, Mate. Auckland - to answer your question. Anyway, I subscribed to the local paper a month ago. Now why the fuck you want a local redneck newspaper in New Zealand? Pipe down and I'll tell you. I've been getting the paper for the last month. I've been checking the classifieds in the back looking at cars for sale. So. As of yesterday, for sale in this town Some dude is selling his stock 1970 Dodge Challenger with a 440 engine, and a white paint job. And you wanna buy it? Kim, I may be stupid... But I'm not bloody stupid. I wanna say I wanna buy it, so he'll let me test drive it. A 1970 Dodge Challenger with a white paint job? Kowalski from "Vanishing Point", Mate. It's a fucking classic. If I can get this guy to let me drive it without him I'll blow the doors of that bitch. What's "Vanishing Point"? What's "Vanishing Point"? Abes, I'm supposed to be the illiterate one. It's just one of the best American movies ever made. Actually Zoe, most girls... ...wouldn't know "Vanishing Point" Excuse me, most girls? What the fuck are you two? Yeah, well, we're gearheads. Of course we watched it. You all grew up watching that "Pretty in Pink" shit. I like "Pretty in Pink". What so you didn't watch John Hughes movies? Of course I did. I'm a girl. But I also watched car shit, too. "Vanishing point" "Dirty Marry", "Crazy Larry" "Gone in 60 Seconds" The real one. Not that Angelina Jolie bullshit. We have an outdoor theatre in Auckland that plays "Vanishing Point" "Big Wednesday" All the classics. What do you girls want? You've got a 1970 Dodge Challenger for sale? Right up here ladies. There she is off the fuckin' hook. Fucking legendary, Mate. If you'll excuse me for a moment I'd like to have a word alone with my business associate. You ladies take your time. What are you waiting for? Ask him you want to drive it by yourself. I intend to. But first I need to ask you something. What? If he lets us take it out on our own I wanna play Ships Mast. Aww, hell no. - Keep it down. Ain't no way, I'm doing Ships Mast. For Christsakes, Kim. - Don't blaspheme. Sorry. Now. What did you say after the last time? I know what I said. - What did you say? I know I said we shouldn't do this again, but... No, you didn't say "We shouldn't" You said, we ain't ever gonna do that again. But. - But my ass. You said, not only are we never gonna play Ships Mast again But you also said, if you ever do what you try to do now, to not only refuse, but that I had permission to physically restrain your ass, if necessary. Now, did you or did you not say that? Naw naw naw naw. Answer the question, muthafucker! Did you or did you not say that? Yes, I said that. However - Whatever with your however. I know I said that. And I know I meant it. Damn skimpy you meant it. But when I said it, I didn't mean in America. Nigga please. Really, I meant we should never play Ships Mast again in New Zealand or Australia. You are such a liar. Look. I know what I said, when I said that. But when I said it, I didn't know I'd ever come to America. And when I said it, if I had known I'd come to America and have the opportunity to play Ships Mast on a fuckin' Vanishing Point Challenger I would have added a however. Right? Okay, oddly enough, I actually understood that. However... Just because you talked yourself into some stupid shit It doesn't mean I have lost my goddamn mind. You need two people to play ships mast. And I ain't playing. I'll be your best friend. I don't need me no best friend that lives on the other side of planet earth. I'll crack your back. You'll crack it anyway. Of course I would crack it anyway. But now... While I'm here... I'll be your back cracking slave. Whenever you want it, you've got it. You don't even have to ask for it. You just order me to do it, "Bitch, get over here and get busy." So we're gonna see if this guy'll let us take the car out without him. If he does, you wait here with Lee and we'll be back in a moment. What? I said we're gonna see if this guy'll let us take the car out without him. I heard what you said. I just can't believe what you said. You know you two guys got some fuckin' balls. What? Don't play dumbass with me. I've been up all night. I'm still a little drunk and... I have a hangover. I should be in my hotel room asleep. Not fucking around here on Tobacco Road. But because Zoe wanted to drive some fucking "Vanishing Point" car I'm here. Now you two got the balls to ask me - No... Scratch that -- tell me, I gotta make conversation with Tom Joad While the cool kids get to go out and play? Bullshit on that. It ain't like that. Then what's it like, Kim? You guys are our collateral. He's never gonna go for it if we all go. I really think one human being will be collateral enough. You're not gonna wanna do what we're doing. What, drive a car? We're doing more than that. What, drive it fast? We're doing more than that. Actually, we're paying you a compliment. Cause we're gonna do some stupid shit. But that's okay, we're stunt people, we ain't got good sense. But you got good sense. And anybody with good sense, ... ain't gonna wanna do what we're doing. How do you know I don't wanna do it? Cause you're a mom. Yeah. You know, we're supposed to be this big "Posse" But that's the excuse you guys use whenever you want to exclude me from something. So what is it you two daredevils are doing That if I'm just so uncool, I couldn't possibly understand. You know, we're kinda conning this guy, so... Maybe it's best we don't go into detail about it while he's watching us. Besides... He's probably not gonna let us do it anyway. Okay. How about this? I'll talk him into it. But if I talk him into it, I go along. How you gonna do that? That's my problem. But don't worry. He'll say yes. What are you gonna do, blow him? No. I'm gonna insinuate that Lee's gonna blow him. Not really. But let me handle it. We got a deal? Okay mommy, listen up. You wanna hang with the cool kids, you got to be cool. We take you along, you don't say shit. You don't even say crap. You just sit in the back, and I don't wanna hear a peep outta your ass. You understand? I'm serious now. You starting us, we're pullin' over to the side of the road Kickin' your ass out and pickin' you up later. Agreed. Okay. Go work your magic. Hello, sir. - Hello. Hello, what's your name? - Jasper. Hello, Jasper, I'm Abernathy. Aber-what? Abernathy. What's your first name? That is my first name. What kind of first name is that? You know what, just call me Abby. Okay, Abby. Jasper. We were wondering if my friends and I could take the car out ... for a little test drive out on our own. You know just to see if we're comfortable in it. Why would I do something stupid like that? To better sell your automobile. How do I know y'all ain't just gonna steal it? Four reasons actually. One, we're not thieves. Two, that would be rude. Three, we're staying at the Days Inn in town. You can call the hotel, check with management. We're registered for the next month. Actually, Zoe is not, but Kim and I are. So we're totally trackdownable. - Who's Kim? The colored girl? Yes. Kim would be the girl of color. And reason number four and the most important. While we're taking the car out for a little spin That'll give you a better opportunity to get acquainted ...with our other friend. Lee. Why does she look kinda familiar? That would be because she's a famous actress. Why she dressed like that? Well you see, we're making a Hollywood movie in town. And it's a cheerleader movie, and she's one of the cheerleaders. What's a cheerleader movie? A movie about cheerleaders. Is it a porno movie? Yes. It is. But don't mention it. She's shy. Lee, this is Jasper. Jasper, Lee. You two kids stay out of trouble. Hey good looking! Be back to pick you up later. Gulp. You thinking what I'm thinkin'? I think I'm thinkin' it. What are you and you thinkin'? I'm thinking we told your ass to shut the fuck up. Where are you going? You stay put. - Yo, I gotta take a... So you're ready do to this? Are you sure? Well.. I always don't wanna do it right before I'm gonna do it. You know what I mean? Yeah, I know what you mean. Cause I don't wanna do it. Kim. - I'm passing it. Fuck, if you're gonna take the piss out of it... I'm just saying. You wanna start right on top? Practically, it doesn't count. Then we start on the top. Here, your glove. No no no no. I'm wearing the jacket. This is my jacket. Ain't you promised to be my slave or some shit? You're on the hood. Yo, I think I hear a car coming. Give me your belt. Oh, this is my cute shit. Fuck that. Get Abernathy's belt. Give me your belt. - No. Prada. Come on, give me the belt. Magic word. Please give me the belt. Just cause you asked nicely. It's nice to be nice, Kim. Whatever. - You know what? Don't even fuckin' think about asking me next time you want me to do your hair. And your ass gonna do it. Yeah and your ass pretty please bitch. Because that's what you do when no one else is looking. Why is that fuckin' hard? Abernathy? Don't get on my nerves right now. I got shit on my mind. Hey, Abernathy. Check this out. What the fuck are you guys doing? What does that mean? Is that fast enough for your loony ass? Abernathy, get your ass up here. Shake it out bitch. You want it fuckin' faster? Oh my God. What the fuck -- Now. Did you do something to him? Did you say something? Nothing. Shit. I'm sorry I called you black bitch. I forgive you. Get away. Redneck lunatic bastard. Get away from me. I'm scared, Kim. I'm really scared. Fear nobody. Just hold on. Do you wanna get hot? You wanna get hot? Suck on this for a while. Leave us alone. Fuck you, motherfucker. Get ready to fly, bitch. Ladies. That was fun. Well... Adios. Bitch. I'm okay. Oh shit. God damn it. Oh you fuckin bitch. Of course you are. What was I thinking? What was I thinking? Zoe the fuckin' Cat. That was a close one. You guys look like shit. Who lied? That shit! Are you okay? That's life, and that'll be sweet. So? Where is the maniac? I shot him and his spunk ass sped off. Do you wanna go and get him? Oh hell yeah. Honey. I think you might wanna get out. Fuck that shit. Let's kill this bastard. Okay, get your ass in the back, let's go. Wait. - Where the fuck you're going? Sweet. Let's go. Do it. Do it. Now I'll explain. Where do you think you're fucking going? Don't like it up the ass, do you? You redneck lunatic bastard. I'm the horniest muthafukka on the road. Get him. Get him. Motherfucker move. Watch it. Oh you know I can't let you go. Without tappin' that ass. One... Kim? ...more ...time. Go ya. C'mon. Don't you like us motherfucker. We bet motherfucker. We bet. Who's laughing now bitch? Hey sucker. You're not such a lunatic bastard. I'm sorry. - What? I didn't mean anything. I was just playing around. Ah, he was just playing around. - He was just playing! Now I ain't playing with you. Oh, look out! Look out! Watch your side! Jesus fuckin' Christ. It's about time. Please don't dead end. Please don't dead end. Please don't dead end. There the motherfucker is. Go. Go. Get him. Help me. Be careful my right arm's broken.
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